The Rules to Having a Productive Hoe Phase

is a hoe phase necessary?

Even though this topic is so tired, there’s a lot to say and I think I should set the record straight.

Everytime I hear about Ayesha Curry, it’s always in a negative light and I always feel so bad for her. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized as common sense as it is…we are not all the same. We don’t think the same. We didn’t grow up the same. We don’t have to be the same. Even though I may not understand where you’re coming from, even though I think you could’ve made a better choice, I can hear you out…see both sides…but I am cringing on the inside. And that’s ok.

So we’ve all seen that clip from the Call Her Daddy podcast, and that minute viral moment stirred up multiple timelines of conversations. In the podcast she discussed marriage, motherhood, and identity where she shared that she never pictured her life in the way she sees now. She went on to say she thought she would be the career driven woman boss ass bitch. Yes girl, we all did. She didn’t imagine herself having kids so early and basically putting her dreams to the side. She expected Steph to basically be a regular degular high school basketball coach ass nigga, while she shined to be the star in the relationship. Because that’s not her reality, she speaks as if she’s disappointed in her journey. Now, *most* of us are tired of girl bossing our way through life and we see Ayesha as someone who we look at has is “easy”. So we’re confused!

On one side of the conversation, some women are upset because it feels like she has won the husband jackpot. She has the man, she has the money, she has the house, the access, and all the things needed to dilly dally for a living. On the outside looking in and it feels like she complains out loud every chance she gets. On the other side, many others believed that she was giving the girls a cautionary tale of learning who you are and live your life before settling down with a man. When we really think about it, we are the first generation of women that has lived on our own, are choosing ourselves and honoring our different paths, and not rushing down the aisle or to get pregnant to start a family.

I don’t think Ayesha was wrong at all. I think women should choose themselves, cross off their to-do lists, and do whatever the hell they want even if it looks different than it looked yesterday. From my perspective, I always knew I wanted to live my life before being anybody’s mother or wife. I’m mine before I am anyone else’s. Another thing to notes is…I am selfish, and I’m okay with admitting that. I am not ready to put another person before me whether that’s a man or a child…especially a child.

I am so blessed that I was able (and still) to live my life freely. I went away to college, I moved away from home to another state alone, I’ve traveled with friends domestically and internationally, and I find such a huge gratitude for that. In my opinion, it has made me so well-rounded with so many experiences that I am able to look back on, and talk about. The thing with Ayesha is it feels like every chance she gets, she’s expressing so much regret. This isn’t what she saw for her life, and how she needs more outside attention, what she’s missing out on, and everything in between that’s negative. It’s giving that she’s venting versus telling the girls to choose themselves. I think that’s the issue for me. Because she wasn’t able to choose herself, because wasn’t able to live out her dreams, because she married and mothered so early on, it’s like she’s Squidward looking outside the window while Spongebob and Patrick are having fun. She’s simply not confident in who she is right now and sounds like she’s second guessing her choices.

Is that wrong?

So because of this, it sparked a side conversation of having a “hoe phase”. The old debate of to or to not have a hoe phase is one of my favorite topics. In this Instagram post, the poster said that basically the hoe phase is necessary. Now I thought the comments would be agreeing, to my surprise, I saw many comments saying “I’m so glad that I don’t think like this,” and how they were in disgust in what she said.

While I was 100% in agreeance at one point that a hoe phase is necessary, my thought process started to change as of late. After giving a friend my co-sign to frolic in the streets and it didn’t turn out in her best interest. Which changed my mind a bit. Now I’m not saying her months of tears were my fault because I did end it with the infamous disclaimer of “idk but don’t listen to me though…it’s your life.”

What I am saying is that maybe sharing my rendezvous, how much I learned, and how much fun I had may have swayed her decision making and it wasn’t the best fit for her personally. That’s when I realized that everyone isn’t built for a hoe phase…which is beautiful. Unfortunately some of us were tainted and forced into being the female Future. (at least that’s how I felt)

The Players Club, 1998

With the temperature and the state of the world right now, I wouldn’t advise anybody to not have a hoe phase anymore. It’s not fun, the men are highly more unlikable, and there’s just too much at risk these days in my opinion. Women basically don’t even have rights over our own bodies! I grew up in a different time chileee.

But regardless if you agree or disagree, a hoe phase can be productive.

Let’s define what it is and the rules.

A “hoe phase” is a period in a person’s life where they engage in a string of casual, non-monogamous sexual relationships without emotional commitment. It’s often seen as a time for sexual exploration, self-discovery, and gaining confidence after a breakup or before settling down. However, the experience can be viewed negatively, with some people finding it dehumanizing, while others may view it as a liberating expression of sexual freedom.

---

The Rules to a Productive Hoe Phase:

1. Know that there’s a timeline.

   The hoe phase isn’t forever. I don’t think it has an age limit per se, but it should have an expiration date. Phase is the key word.

2. Leave your feelings on YOUR pillow.

   Everybody isn’t built for this and you can’t have your heart on your sleeve during this era. It also requires a level of emotional intelligence that needs to be at the forefront. Be sure to keep your emotional wellness intact because that’s important and it’s only your responsibility.

3. Be safe.

   This is the most important rule. Be picky when choosing your people. Be safe, and always use protection. A hoe phase is supposed to be fun, but you have to choose wisely and put your safety first. Have your key rules and standards and stick to them.

4. Learn the lessons, don’t repeat mistakes.

   Only you know the lessons you need to learn, and the mistakes that you make. This is the best time to realize what you need to take inventory on so that you can be better moving forward. Get it out of your system.

5. You have to be confident.

   This is your time to have your way and the only way to do this is to take it by the balls. If done properly, this phase can be just what you need to relivitize yourself. Take what applies and let the rest fly. Know that this moment is all about you, be selfish.

6. Be a fun hoe, not a sad hoe.

   (next to being safe) The most important rule. Nobody wants to be around a sad hoe. This is your time to explore, and have fun with low commitment. Don’t worry about outside opinions, and live it up how you see fit. But you can’t be second guessing and shaming yourself while doing it. Take control of your choices. The key to this is finding people who are fun, and on the same vibe as you.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you. No path is correct, there’s no “right way”, and as we see there’s no yellow brick road that’s going to lead you to the perfect man. The grass always seems greener on the other side, so the best thing to do is…whatever you want. Also realize your journey is nobody’s business.

But it’s your life, I don’t know…don’t listen to me, because results may vary.

I don’t make the rules.

What do you think?