what if I actually don't know what I want?

is there a sign that'll tell me when...?

Because when will I ever be sure?

Whenever I think about being vulnerable, I get the biggest ick at myself…

Whenever I think about being hella serious, I laugh and can’t picture it…

Will I ever grow up?

Will I ever feel like I look grown? Even at 30 I don’t feel like it hit me yet..

One of my favorite recent things I love to do recently is looking at women who are 40+ on social media and see how they live their lives. Some of them are single, some are married but all are fine, and popping. Because I really thought I would never get out of a child’s place, it’s been hard to really envision myself as grown.

I’m constantly questioning what I want.

Every time somebody assumes I want a wedding I laugh because even though it gives that—I would rather not. LMAO. One thing I can not see myself doing is crying, boo-hooing, and pouring my heart out in front of a the classroom full of people hearing me be vulnerable behind a man?! Girl absolutely not. Yall know that I like him enough to be claimed with a last name and a ring in public. In my perfect world, I would elope, go on a month long honeymoon, and then have a reception and pop out.

But forreal I don’t even know why I feel like that because I do wanna be full blown Caresha, “my man, my man, my man.” It really does suck because I do feel traumatized from dating.

I feel like my life is so great right now, I’m so nervous to lose myself. I have great community, I’m having fun, the finest I ever been, and why would I ever want to ruin that? On the other hand, I do want to be coupled. I do want a man, I want companionship, but being committed to a man feels like it’s so terrifying. Am I the only one who feels like that? I have the biggest fear of looking stupid.

Then I think about my career, and what I’m supposed to be doing…

I feel like I can’t even think.

Do you see how I’m going back and forth? But maybe I do know what I want but I’m scared that it’s not going to look like how I pictured it in my head.

and what if it doesn’t turns out how I envisioned it, then what does that mean?

Because everyday what I want slightly changes. I just want to be free, and feel free.

I guess I’m just looking for the sign to jump out at me and tell me, this is it.

Life is stressful…this was a brain dump…buy me a drink.